“YOU’VE CHANGED.”
Ever heard that one before? Sometimes people notice the way you’ve shifted things in your life and they mean that as a compliment – although, just as often, they mean something different.
Important people in your life may, for whatever reason, hold on to the “old” you. Perhaps they feel safer with the person they knew instead of the one they don’t yet fully comprehend. Maybe hanging on to the past makes them more comfortable about themselves. Maybe they simply don’t like the new version.
And that’s okay. That’s not up to us to decide, or even understand. It’s only up to us to accept.
That’s not up to us to decide, or even understand. It’s only up to us to accept.
I feel a pang of this sometimes when I look back to my former life, when the focus was almost unequivocally on work. My job directed everything: my attention, my energy, my circle of friends, even how I felt about myself in non-work hours (the few it seemed there were).
It consumed my whole world. My identity was completely wrapped up in it.
When I shifted gears nearly three years ago, it may have appeared to some to be fairly drastic, perhaps even out of character. I mean, who morphs practically overnight from a tightly wound, success-chasing, clients-come-first, don’t-take-no-for-an-answer chick with sleek hair and power heels into a barefoot, curly haired, airy-fairy yoga teacher content to just sit around with her breath and her thoughts and her notebooks??
Me! That’s who! (And, thankfully, lots of other brave people, too.)
But I felt judged in some way… almost as if those I left “behind” took my personal choice as a condemnation of theirs, that my decision to leave somehow was a blatant criticism of their desire stay.
I felt that eyebrow-raising, too, when I first got sober. Like work, drinking had been an integral part of my identity. I wasn’t quite sure who I’d be without it – but I knew for certain that I needed to find out.
I noticed in those early months the news that I’d quit drinking elicited one of three responses, with no direct prompting from me:
1) People were inspired to look hard at – and, ultimately, change – their own habits.
2) People’s defensiveness about their own habits moved to offense when they proactively said something to the effect, “Well, don’t think this means I’m going to change anything.”
3) People just sort of fell away quietly.
It’s funny how switching directions can come at the expense of relationships – especially the ones we thought were rock-solid, the ones that were a foundational part of our identities, the ones we expected to overcome the realities of change.
I remember talking with a wise friend about the process of identity change, and how the major shifts in my life have felt so natural – and yet I have found myself worrying that people would think I was pretending, either for the last decade or in the present moment.
“You’re looking at it the wrong way,” he said. “It’s not about pretending. Maybe you’re just finally ALLOWING yourself to be the person you were supposed to be from the beginning.”
It’s not about pretending. Maybe you’re just finally allowing yourself to be the person you were supposed to be from the beginning.
Or, as the old saying goes: “Sometimes it’s not the people who change; it’s the mask that falls off.”
All of this is to say I hope that you’ll wade into those waves of change when they first lap at your feet. I hope you won’t be afraid, that you’ll trust the Universe enough to allow yourself to be carried to new shores.
I hope you’ll remember that in the place of old relationships can grow new and different and equally beautiful ones, which in some ways will feel even more authentic as we strip down to, reveal, and connect with our barer selves.
And, most of all, I hope you’ll find the courage to maintain your new direction and intention – and remember that the positive choices you make for yourself are good ones, even if others don’t immediately understand them.
Change is good, love. And so are you.
Thanks, The Road To Me, for this terrific photo.
